It's Lonely at the Top: The Reality of Leadership
No one ever pulls you to one side and tells you that success can be isolating, that the higher up an organisation you get, the lonelier it gets. That reaching the boardroom might come with a side of silence.
As a senior leader (and let me tell you, it only gets worse the higher you go!), you’re seen as the person with the answers. You're the one others turn to in a crisis, the one who is expected to inspire, direct and decide on what happens next. But who do you turn to?
Loneliness at the top is real. It’s not about lacking people around you as you'll have your team and their teams and so on - in fact, as a CEO, I had more people around me than I could shake a stick at and if I wanted more, I could always just pop into one of my 1000 seat contact centres and sit with them. It’s about feeling like no one truly gets it. The weight of responsibility - for the company, for the results, for your people, for your customers or clients. The difficult decisions you are having to take that nobody sees, the blurred boundaries between personal and professional, the constant need to hold it together. The fact that when everyone else has gone home to their friends and family, you're left with your own thoughts, your own worries and the weight of responsibility for holding it all together, literally if you're running the place, sits squarely with you.
You might be surrounded by people, but still feel completely unseen.
In my own leadership journey, I’ve experienced that quiet gap — the moment after a big decision you've had to make, the end of a tough board meeting or the stretch of time when things feel overwhelming but there’s no one you can be fully honest with, not even your other half for the fear of burdening them with your woes. Vulnerability can feel like a luxury you can’t afford. Quite honestly, it's a bloody horrible feeling!
So what did I learn from the last two decades of working at this level:
Firstly and most importantly, you are not weak for feeling this way.
You’re human.
And if more leaders talked about this, we’d normalise the emotional experience of leadership and not just the performance of it.
So, what can you do if you’re feeling this kind of isolation (spoiler alert - you absolutely will feel this at some point, or maybe even often, if you're in a senior leadership role or a founder of a business!):
Here are a few practical ways to counter loneliness at the top:
Build a trusted circle (outside your work). Find other leaders who aren’t part of your day-to-day, like a mentor, peer groups or a coach, who can hold space for you without an agenda and with no judgement. Sometimes, simply being heard without judgment can change everything.
Make time to reconnect with what matters. When leadership becomes all-consuming, you can lose touch with who you are outside the role. Reinvest in personal passions, relationships and practices that keep you grounded. I personally love walking in nature and connecting with the natural world. There is something amazing about watching the birds and wildlife doing their thing and reflecting on how hard they have it versus your life (imagine being reincarnated as a sparrow or a mouse and having to fear for your life ever second of the day - f*ck that!!)
Practice selective vulnerability. You don’t need to overshare to be authentic. However, showing just a little more of your real experience can invite a deeper connection with those around you, particularly in a work context and help others feel less alone too.
Redefine strength. Strength isn’t stoicism, it’s self-awareness. It’s knowing when to push through but also when to pause. It’s asking for help and realising you need it. That’s leadership.
Work with a coach or sounding board. Someone objective and someone who is in your corner. A confidential space where you don’t have to filter anything, and you can be the most authentic version of yourself. That space can be a game-changer. At Built For More, we offer a confidential, judgment-free space to help you be the best version of yourself and work with you to become the version of yourself you want to be in the future.
If any of this resonates with you, you’re not alone. If you’ve overcome this or are in the middle of it, your story might just be the permission someone else needs today. Perhaps, if you're feeling brave and want to take the first step in showing your authentic self, you'll drop a comment below and share with others how you've overcome this. Or if you're in the middle of it and don't have someone to act as your sounding board, drop me a DM or book a Free Discovery Call and let's catch up on how I might be able to support you. If you're still unsure whether coaching might be right for you, follow me on Instagram to get a better sense of what we're up to.
Let’s normalise the conversation. Let’s lead with honesty, not just authority, because leadership doesn’t have to mean loneliness.
